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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.