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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"