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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.