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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`