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Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
I am not as think as you drunk I am
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.