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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.