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There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.