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Before the internet I used to like people.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
The word bed looks like a bed.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.