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India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.