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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-