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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face