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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.