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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"