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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.