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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.