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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
i dont have drain bramage.