Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.