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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.