Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)