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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
I just awesomed all over the place.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.