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The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…