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Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I`m perfect you adjust.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude