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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.