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I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.