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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.