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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.