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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Forgotten pocket money is the best!