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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Lol at birds that walk places.
he who laughs last thinks slow
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.