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Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
This status is mine....I licked it.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?