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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.