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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you