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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.