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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.