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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.