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Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.