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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.