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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Don`t waste my timeline.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
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You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."