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Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.