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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.