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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2