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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
I like it like that
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
about love
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?