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I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Trust me, I am a liar.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.