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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?