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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you