Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today