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I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.