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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
You look like I need another drink
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...