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I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.