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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.