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I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.