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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.