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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong