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Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?