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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?