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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
is in no shape to exercise
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.