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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.