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Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
I drink to make other people interesting.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4