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Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.