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I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...