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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?