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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.