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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.