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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
My inner self is in Photoshop
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.