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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.