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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
I put the hot in psychotic.
u cant spell awesome without me
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.