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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.