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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Being alive is so expensive.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.