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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.