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I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.