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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.