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If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.